My Journey

Mum’s with only one child faces this particular question most of the time, “When are you having another”. Such questions tend to throw mums off balance if they plan to have only one child. I am literally about to say something that might piss some people off, but in reality that will be the truth. Let’s face the fact for a second; only child is a lot easier for parents to take care of then two or more children. Most people think that having only one child seems selfish but the truth is there is no right answer to the debate of having one child or two children.

Parents who have only one child tend to give their attention, time and all the necessary benefit accruing to that child. With that, they receive criticism from friends, neighbours, and strangers who have no qualms suggesting how to live their family life. Most likely these attacks will not stop until they have reached menopause or too old to have another or adopt one. This happens because most people are of the idea that lack of sibling means your child will turn out to be selfish, or spoiled. Well, that’s not true. However, having one child gives more controlled environment and such family seems to be happier than those with more than one. Parents-to-one child family seems very peaceful, giving them more room to be attuned with the child’s emotional needs. Here are some stats which have shown that there are steady rise in one child family in most developed countries.

• 46 percent of families in England have one child
• A recent US census conducted state that 22 percent of families have one child and 30 percent in metropolitan areas
• One child families represent 30 percent in Portugal and Spain.

Susan Newman, a social psychologist in her book ‘Parenting an only child’, stated that the number of one child families is rising because

• In this economic times, the cost of child care is of most concern
• Both parents are working and may find it difficult to take care of more than one child
• 50% of families divorce before they have another child

New Pew Research Center discovered that women are now reluctant on giving birth; A decrease in birth rates were most experienced between 2007 (before the recession) and 2011 (the latest data available).

One child parents are they really selfish?

Children without siblings are said to be lonely, bossy and spoiled but studies have shown that they are not different from their peers. 65 percent of mothers with kids work to support their family. They find it stressful and difficult to work while raising their kids. The impact of losing your job to take care of your kids in these current economic times can be devastating and that tends to dissolve the idea of having more kids. It’s not selfish to choose to give birth to one child because of individual concerns like finances, health and jobs. That is being realistic.

25 Things Every Mother Should Tell Her Daughter

1. Be kind to others. We are constantly competing with everyone and life is more beautiful when we all just work together.

2. You will be hurt, but you will survive.

3. Don’t be hard on yourself when you fail in something. Learn from your mistakes.

4. You will do stupid things from time to time. How you handle those situations is what counts.

5. Stand up for yourself and for those that can’t stand up for themselves.

6. Embrace people’s differences.

7. Do What makes you happy.

8. Make world a better place. You can do it.

9. In the end, it’s not how much money you have. It’s how you lived your life.

10. You are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you you are not.

11. Always challenge yourself.

12. It’s OK to be wrong!

13. Dream!

14. If you love somebody, show them your love!

15. Don’t settle for anything!

16. You are unique. There’s no one like you.

17. Be patient.

18. Don’t be afraid to give it a try.

19. Love yourself so you can love others.

20. Don’t dream your life, live your dreams.

21. It’s not about the destination, it’s the journey that matters.

22. Take responsibility for the mistakes you make.

23. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal.

24. No one ever succeeded without trying.

25. I love you, and no matter what, I will always love you.

Those are the things I want my daughter learns from me. Every single one of them is important – and there are much more I could add to the list. After all, the parents are responsible to help those little people be the best version of themselves.

Is there some important life lesson you would add to your list? What is that one thing you would say it is most important? Do you remember life lessons your parents have taught you?

Share with us in the comments section.

Whether it is your third, second or fourth, there comes a time in every woman’s life when she wonders if she is ready for another child. We only have one child at the moment, so I am constantly thinking if I am really ready for another child or maybe I should have only one.

The good experiences from being with your children and raising them might inspire you to continue being a parent and expand the family, but because those decisions should never be taken lightly, here are some things to consider.

Do you have the time and resources?

Every mom thinks she will always have time for her children, and that’s largely true. But sometimes it might be difficult balancing everything – a relationship, troubled kids with different age spams, a job… If your parenting experience is mostly related to toddlers and babies, you might not be so aware of the toll it takes raising teenagers or tweens. You have to make sure to share your affections, give each one their special time, make them feel loved individually and not only as a group.

What stage are you in your professional career?

If you are thinking about having more babies, you might be in a comfortable stage of your career. But if you aren’t, if you still think you need to work much harder in order to move up, then you should really consider if having a baby at this stage would be a positive thing. If you already have a child, chances are you already need to plan your schedule very well to make sure you can be a parent and a working mom. This might reflect negatively in your productivity.

Also, by the time you go back into the workforce, you might already be too old to return to your job and find a new one in a similar position. Working moms who lived for a while as stay-at-home moms often struggle to find a job that matches their qualifications and experience.

Are you an older parent?

This is a tricky one. Older women who get pregnant have higher chances of having babies with disabilities or suffering from complications during childbirth. Even though it is a very sad thing to think about, if you are an older parent you need to think about whether you would have the resources to look after a sick child. Many people are parents of disabled children and love it, but those who cannot afford proper treatments and childcare are often stranded with nowhere to turn. It might be a strange thing I ask you to consider, but even doctors will let you know that giving birth to a disabled child after 40 is not an uncommon occurrence and you should be ready for that.

How did you know you are ready for another child?

When you are pregnant, plenty of people are going to come up to you and either talk about the joy or the horror of raising kids. But there are some things they don’t tell you – so we will.

1. The zen is over

You will never have a quiet moment in your life. If you can see your kid and can tell he is okay, you’ll feel relieved but wondering what you can do better; if your kid in somewhere else away from you, you won’t rest until you can have him near you again. When you go to sleep, you are trained to wake up at any noise lest your child be in danger. When they start demanding more independence, you’ll grant it to them with a knot in your stomach.

Having children means becoming eternally connected to another human being that you adore. Rest isn’t even on the programme – you’ll feel obliged to be available at all times, even when you clearly shouldn’t be.

2. Things fall into place

Having children can put things into order. Not practically – kids can be very chaotic and disorganized, after all – but mentally. Before having children, people prioritize different things in life and wonder in what they should be focused on. A career? A hobby? My friends? Now, there are no such questions- your kids become your utmost priority and reason to live, even if you have a thriving professional life and a wide range of friendships. There’s just no way someone can replace that feeling of finally coming home and see your children smile at you.

3. The world is never the same again

Having children will affect the way you experience the world. You’ll find new threats everywhere – the pointy edges of the table, the strangers in the streets, the bully in the playground, but you will also discover other sources of pleasure. Having a stroll at the park can seem a bit dull compared to going out to a club or trying a hip restaurant, but when you are with your children, seeing them play around and feel incredibly joyful just because you decided to start throwing a ball around, you’ll have little moments of joy in unexpected situations.

4. Being a kid again

You’ll relive your childhood through your kids’ lives. This is both in a good and bad way – on the one hand, you’ll re-watch old kids movies and laugh again at the simplistic jokes, because your son is absolutely delighted when you do. On the other hand, you will at times feel so helpless and confused as you did when you were young – everything is this experience is so new you might find yourself not knowing who or where to turn for straight answers and solutions.

5. Forgiving Mom and Dad

Finally, becoming a parent often involves improving the relationship with your own parents. Certain gray areas of your childhood and teenage years, some sorrows, regrets and resentments will fade as you understand better your parent’s choices, even if you still don’t agree with them.

Children value their freedom, but parents less so. When your kids wander away from you at the supermarket or at the park, the sense of dread is too much to bear. Likewise, when they get older and start leading a more or less independent life, it can be nerve-wracking not knowing where they are at all times and what is keeping them out so late (the concept of late varies too – for some parents it’s 8pm, for others 5pm).

Some parents deal with this anxiety by being overly strict and kids are not fans of that. Other parents, fearing the reaction of their loved offsprings, pretend to be “cool” with it, and end up giving their children too much leeway, making them feel neglected. The balance can be tricky to find – here’s how we can make it easier for you.

1. Define boundaries for both of you to develop trust

If you say to your kid he is supposed to be home by six and he never misses curfew, why do you keep calling him every time? Similarly, if you say one hour each night is for homework and you never heard any complaints from school about missing papers, why do you keep entering your kid’s room to check up on him and make sure he is doing as he is told?

Children pick up when their parents do not trust them and it can make them feel like they are keeping their side of the bargain but you are not. Providing little moments of freedom when your kid is proven to abide by your rules is a way to establish trust. That way, an order turns into an agreement – you promise me you’ll do your homework, and I won’t be spying on you and yelling if I see at that particular moment you are actually playing PlayStation.

2.  Safe your punishments for when they are actually needed – and follow through

If you punish your kid for every little thing, punishment is going to become more of a routine than a time of reflection and repentance. On the other hand, if all you do is threaten, the punishment will never materialize at all and eventually, the fear of it will vanish.

First, when your kid does something bad, try to understand their motives and whether it was done on purpose or not. If he lied to a teacher to protect a friend, for example, that situation might merit more of a conversation about the limits of loyalty and not a whole week without TV.  Second, if you find he acted on purpose, make sure the punishment fits the crime.

3. Nothing justifies corporal punishment

Your kid could have caused a massive car accident, it still wouldn’t be okay to hit him. Some parents think corporal punishments work when everything else has failed, but usually the definition of “everything else” is quite limited – yelling and taking toys and gadgets away are not the sole forms of making your kid realize he did something wrong.

Our families need a technology detox program to step away from digital devices and focus on their relationships – smartphone addiction is a very real problem in today’s society, and the sooner families can address it, the easier things will be.

Now, it’s important to remember that we’re not encouraging the elimination of all technology. There are many perfectly valid uses for mobile phones, and teens who think we’re just anti-technology are more likely to rebel than think about improving their relationships.

Instead, we’d like to focus on helping everyone in the family see the phone as nothing more than a phone – it’s not their friend, it’s not important to their self-image, and it’s certainly not worth paying attention to when there are other things happening.

The Simple Technology Detox Strategy

A technology detox plan should be started as early as possible – if family members are never addicted in the first place, they won’t need to recover from anything! Unfortunately, many families are already past that point, so you’ll have to set a few rules in place. Do not be afraid to set the rules for your family, either and there are times when some sort of discipline is critical for a child’s development.

Here are some of the things you can do to implement a detox plan:

• Establish Phone-Free Zones. There are times when using any type of phone is completely inappropriate, and everyone in your family should be on the same page here. Phones should not be allowed during meals, at church, during most events, or beyond certain times of the day (such as after dinner). Start thinking of evenings as a time to be together – watching a movie together might be appropriate, but having everyone scattered and doing their own thing is not.
• Start Small. It can be hard to do a detox all at once, so try creating small goals that you can work on meeting until they become a habit. As always, the earliest days will be the toughest – but once you’ve changed your entire lifestyle, keeping it going will be so much easier.
• Keep Things Out Of Bedrooms. Few things are more conducive to technology addiction than having all of it in your bedroom! Keep the tech – computers, phones, and everything else – out in public areas. Checking messages should be something done once or twice a day, not every five minutes. In fact, consider setting a specific time to check each day.
• Stop Using Phones For Everything. There’s no need to document every moment of your life with your phone’s camera. The more each device is seen as a basic tool instead of the solution to every problem, the easier it is to stop picking it up. Try uninstalling every feature you don’t truly need and going without them for awhile.

Smartphones and other pieces of technology should be seen as a privilege, not something we have an intrinsic right to be using every moment of the day – and detoxing from their presence can help everyone start focusing on family again.